The other woman

I am, the other woman.  Not in the truest sense of that phrase, but as my husband’s second wife and step-mother to his child, I am automatically considered evil, unworthy and a bad parent.  Mind you, we met after his divorce (and mine) and have a child together and I have been a part of their lives for 8 years now, 6 of it in marriage.  But when conflict arises and schedules go bump in the night, the collateral damage ends up in my lap.  What, you’ve got a birthday party already planned for your own child?! Too bad!  What, you’ve put down a deposit on a vacation spot? Tough shit!  Your family has an annual event?  So sorry, they are not REALLY step-daughter’s family, so it doesn’t count.

Yep, sounds like a pity party on my part.  The funny thing is, I always give in, say it’s ok, I understand, if that’s what is best for the child they created.  I love her, take care of her as if she was my own, go to bat for her, try to see it from her point of view and try to get dad to ease up.  I do all the things that a mother would do.  Except have expectations.  Because having expectations would be unfair, too much pressure, she won’t want to come back, her time is limited and the rules are different.

How will this look to my own daughter?  Will she cry injustice?  Will she understand?  Or will I be an unfair parent that let her half-sister get away with being a slob and demand that she pick up her toys.

But now, something has happened.  The first wife is becoming the other woman.  Two kids that have their own mother.  We’ll see how the shoe fits.  How valuable her time is and how suddenly, her family should be important to his kids too.  How their schedule with Mom can’t change because it doesn’t fit her schedule.  Step-parents get a bad rap, I hope she doesn’t add to it.

Read Full Post »

With or without, it is what it is.

A seemingly trivial conversation on the elevator up to my office this morning has got me thinking about how much is too much to say at work.  Well, at least about personal things.  The conversation went something like this:

Co-worker: How is your daughter?

Me: Great!

Co-worker: How old is she now?

Me: She’s 2.  Well, 2 + a few months.

Co-worker:  She’s your only one, right? Will there be more?

Me: Umm, well…..we’ve been trying but nothing has happened.

Co-worker:  Oh great!

The rest of the day, I’ve been thinking about this conversation because there’s so much more to the story besides, “We’ve been trying but nothing has happened.”  But of course, you can’t elaborate on that kind of information in an elevator ride first thing on a Friday morning.  In fact, I don’t think I should elaborate but part of me wants to say, “Yes, we’ve been trying for a year and half now.  I’ve even been on fertility drugs the past 4 months with no luck.  So we decided to just stop “trying” and whatever happens, happens.  We want another child very badly, but we’re not willing put my health at risk and keep trying for years on end until I’m 39 and he’s 41.”

I hear it all the time around the office and in other conversations.  People with only 1 child get criticized for only having 1 child.  “He only has the one to worry about.”  “They hardly have to manage the way I do with my three kids.”  “It must be nice to only have put your resources towards one child.”  But do these people throwing the barbs even know why there’s only one child?  Maybe it’s for financial reasons, or infertility, or maybe the mother’s health could be at risk.

It really is getting hard to answer the question, “Are you going to have another?” without feeling the need to explain it beyond “We are trying.”  Because in truth, we aren’t trying anymore.  We are just taking life as it comes and if it comes with another child (or not) then it’s what is meant to be.

Read Full Post »

For which I tried my best, but didn’t succeed anyway

Last Friday around 1:30 p.m., I got an email that I didn’t really want to get, even though most of the later part of the week, I had a suspicion that it would arrive. I got the standard HR rejection email.

I have been interviewing with a local company for potentially great career changing position and was pretty sure that all had gone well through the process of two interview sessions with a total of 10 different people. But, it wasn’t meant to be. Am I disappointed? Yes. Depressed? No. Do I wonder why? Yes. Not because I’m an over confident job seeker, but because I’d like to know what to work on for the next time. It had been years since I had put myself out there for a hiring process and I guess I’d like to know where to apply the polish.

I still have to work with some of the people at this company because they are a vendor who’s software has high use in my department and on campus. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll tactfully ask them about it.

The toughest part about it was getting the standard cut and paste rejection that gets sent to everyone else after I felt like I invested so much time into it and puked out my life and 10 year work history for so many people with some kind of anticipation that it all would pay off with an offer to join their team.

So now, on to plan B. Yes, I had a plan B. So my eggs weren’t totally in their basket. Nor should they have been.

Read Full Post »